AWARD SEASON BACK, Y’ALL. The Golden Globes is easily the best award show of them all. They pump the actors full of booze and sit them at tables next to each other. Plus it’s on NBC so nobody is watching and they can do whatever they want. So join me on this journey as we mock Low Winter Sun for 3 hours.
Last night the Emmy’s were (was?) on. I drank some beer and wrote about it. Here are a few highlights.
5:08 – Neil Patrick Harris’s intro mercifully ends. Basically it was a bunch of clips from TV shows talking to him about hosting. I can already tell this is gonna be worse than the Teen Choice Awards and the VMA’s combined. Nobody at those shows is anywhere near as bad as the people responsible for Big Bang Theory.
5:13 – The monologue is pretty awful too. Then former hosts come on stage. Jimmy Kimmel, Jane Lynch, Jimmy Fallon and then Conan. Kevin Spacey interjected as his character from House of Cards. Finished with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler crawling on to stage fake-drunk because they are objectively the fucking best.
5:18 – First award of the night is Supporting Actress in a Comedy. There are approximately 17 nominees. Some lady from Nurse Jackie won. I’ve heard of this show but didn’t know it was a comedy. I thought it was a recurring Lifetime movie or something.
It’s my last day at work, which means deleting a bunch of crap off the hard drive. Here are just a few of the pictures I have saved on here for some reason.
I DON’T GET IT I DON’T SEE ANY OPEN SEATS ARE WE SURE THIS IS QUALCOMM???
Moving into college is a big deal. So big, that it’s important to take pictures of your bedding and coffee. I spent the past few days keeping an eye on the #SDSU tag on Instagram for move-in weekend. Here is what’s going on with freshmen these days:
Statistically, all of these girls already have mono.
OK, nobody actually calls Zura “The Zoo” after the first week. Call it by it’s real name “Arkham Asylum with shittier furniture”.
So after the Teen Choice Awards it seemed only right to cover the VMA’s. It’s basically the same event but with more commercials for teen pregnancy shows. I have high hopes for this one. We know NSync is reuniting. if they perform with One Direction I might grow ovaries. LET’S DO THIS THING:
Tonight I decided to get drunk and live-blog the Teen Choice Awards. Five years ago WE HAD HOPE JOBS AND CASH and also running diaries were a respected form of blogging. Now that Twitter exists they’re kind of outdated. Also outdated? Haters, you haters. DEAL WITH IT.
8:00 – We open with 1Direction. I missed most of it getting something to drink. We’re out of bourbon. MALIBU IT IS.
This is the fifth entry in a series of posts in which I recount the relationships I’ve had and the tragic and/or hilarious (TRAGILARIOUS) ways they proceeded. The names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the cunty. They’re written out of order because I’m a serious writer who does serious shit like that.
It was the last day of class before summer break at the end of my sophomore year of college. In lieu of a final in my creative writing class (the one I had with Heidi), we had a little potluck thing and we shared our final drafts of our short stories.
When it was my turn to read my final revision, there seemed to be a few girls left who were still hoping it was somehow about them. They were all staring at me, twirling their hair.
The remaining 90% of the class, including the instructor, was completely transfixed on Heidi, as if each was saying with their eyes, ”You know this is about you right? This is totally about you.” From what I could tell, she still had that bored, distractedly annoyed look on her face that she had every day.
But she knew. She had to know. I wasn’t worried about that. All I cared about was whether it would work or not. Read the rest of this page »